Welcome back to my blog.
It has been so long since I have had the energy to sit down, and write.
Today is a little more personal and raw, so bare with me.
I recently have realized that I struggle with depression.
I was in denial.
I have masked it for so many years that I just thought this was my normal....
I never thought it was normal for me to feel pure joy or happiness.
Let me tell you, it’s NOT normal to feel sad all time or even feel numb and not know why. You would have thought I would know that right?!?
Wrong.... the devil is deceitful.
At this point he was winning, until last week.
I recently have taken the first baby step and saw a counselor for the first time.
(There is absolutely no shame in counseling, I seriously encourage it! )
This week has been a week of self reflection.
Digging deep to find the roots of the weeds in my life and my past.
I'm slowly finding out what scenarios from my past cause triggers in my current life and I’ve been doing A LOT
of •F O R G I V I N G• to those who hurt me.
I was given a book to read by my counselor called “In the Fathers Eyes” and wow!! It has unveiled so many things I have struggled with.
The feeling of abandonment, and having these holes in my heart that couldn’t be filled by anything. Trust me, I tried to fill them....
I’m learning how I tic and it’s helping me learn how to process certain traumas and emotions in a healthy way.
It’s validating how I feel but teaching me how to work through it.
Growing up I became a professional at not feeling hurt or pain. I would stuff it so far down that I would forget and move on, as they say “just get over it”. Or I would find ways to justify what happened, which isn’t okay or healthy.
A quote from the book really resonated with me.
“I convinced myself + my heart that if I didn’t acknowledge it, I didn’t have to feel it. If I didn’t have to feel it, it didn’t have to hurt”.
That has been so true for me and how I would "cope".
Recently everything that I thought I buried, has surfaced and it’s been a flood of ALL the hard stuff.
But it’s OKAY!
I’m excited that it’s surfacing.
I can finally hash it out, feel it, sit in it for a moment and forgive, so I can feel free from resentment and pain.
I can’t wait for freedom to come.
This book is helping me learn to love myself as God’s Daughter. I’m learning to be aware of the lies the enemy has for me.
He has had a hold of me for so many years, making me feel like I NEEDED to sit in this sadness forever.....
I have always felt like I was free falling with no control.
ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
I tell the devil NOT TODAY.
I’m just starting to open up about my depression and learning ALL the things. But I will say, as cliche as it may sound... it is OKAY to not be okay. It’s okay to sit in grief for a moment, but do not let it consume you.
I beg you. Don’t stay in this place.
It will change you.
Work it out so it doesn’t effect your future relationships.
Learn what happened, know that it wasn’t okay but forgive so you can truly heal and be free.
What's your story?
I am here for you. If you ever feel like you need someone to talk to, I'm your girl! If not me, please reach out to talk to someone.
It takes courage, believe me.
Know you are NOT alone in this mess.
YOU are amazing inside and out.